You're probably a hipster if.....

photo courtesy of the Sartorialist

I have some adorable hipster friends. And they tolerate me even though I am a little too enthusiastic about EVERYTHING and this makes me very NOT COOL. (I tried to be all "hey" and short texting and stuff, but the enthusiasm always comes bursting out, and I might do sometimes truly unhip like sweat, laugh really loud or, god forbid, TALK too loud at some quiet and hip location like my own living room or a noisy bar and really embarrass them. I can always make up for this by paying the check-that can sometimes buy me weeks of their continued tolerance).

It reminds me of a recent 30 Rock episode, when Jenna was trying to keep herself young so she could keep playing teenage roles. She came into work texting and smacking her gum and said to Liz, "OMG, that's totally tandem!"

Except the word is "random" and that's pretty much how retarded I am at being hip (I pronounced that rapper's name as a fully articulated "Fifty Cents" for a really long time).

So for all of you who are wondering out there (because sometimes it's hard to tell...I mean, sometimes I confuse the homeless with the hipsters because they have that "not trying" thing going for them, too), I'm compiling a list so you can figure out which side of the fence you (or a loved one) fall on. Feel free to submit your own suggestions. By the way, if you ARE wondering then you are definitely NOT a hipster, because wondering is too much like trying, and once you start trying, you are definitely not hip.

You're probably a hipster if...

you consider listening to Cold Play your "guilty pleasure"

you've been to Portland (Oregon), Amsterdam, Berlin, Munich, or all of the above (and if you live in these places, you invented hipster and are not reading this. You are in Bosnia opening a bespoke menswear boutique, because Bosnia is the "next big thing" and only you know that)

you touch screens, not keyboards

your bands sound like social networking groups for animals (Cat Power, Grizzly Bear, Band of Horses)

you didn't listen to Journey the first time around, but are now totally into the band b/c of the T.V. show "Glee"

you knit and you're a guy

you've never owned a truly crappy car-you would rather walk than litter the urban landscape with a used Hyundai

you're on the genotype diet, are vegan, or you collect food allergies as a hobby

you have NEVER carried your groceries out of a store in plastic bags...you thought that became illegal the moment Obama was sworn into office

you listen to more NPR than your parents

you never talk about your work, unless it's creative because otherwise it's just temporary until you become a professional craft brewer/goat cheese maker/organic farmer

you're a guy or a girl and you're in love with Maggie Gyllenhaal

you mentioned how much Food, Inc. changed your life more than twice this week

you propose to your girlfriend with a ring made of sustainably harvested materials, packed in a box made from old barns (in this case you are also Pete, and sweet)

you've discovered it, loved it, and gotten over it by the time I know what "it" is (and you give me a small, pitying smile when I try and turn you on to "it")

Stay tuned tomorrow for a thrilling gift-giving guide featuring some real live hipsters and the wedding gifts they will approve and acknowledge with their handmade letterpress thank you notes!