Thursday, March 25, 2010
I ran into a friend’s husband a while back (in the wine aisle at Costco, where it seems we’ve made a non-verbal agreement to meet up monthly). He was being heavily flirted with by one of the better-looking sample ladies I’ve seen. I mean, I think she was taking her basal body temperature and checking her ovulation chart while I distracted him with a hug. She was definitely twisting the hair that had escaped her plastic hair net, and seductively stroking her latex gloves. Oh, wait. Let me explain: he’s a cute fireman and he had his baby daughter and little son with him. It all makes sense now, right?
Just to mess with him, when I heard her ask, “Have you tried this?” I shouted from several aisles away, “OH YEAH, he's tried it! He's got some at home. Hey Tim-how’s your wife?”
So what’s the deal with men and babies? I mean, biologically speaking, a man with an infant should signal to a woman that he has just RECENTLY procreated with someone else and is therefore VERY LIKELY not available. A possible clue that he wasn’t mysteriously and tragically a single parent? The children were clean and healthy-looking. I mean, what was this woman thinking? That he had hired a surrogate to bear two adorable children for him because his life felt incomplete, so he had to take matters into his own hands until the sample lady of his dreams came along?
Why is man + baby the universal symbol for “stop drop and flirt"?
Why is a single woman with children a "liability" with "baggage" and a single man with children "sooooo cuuuuute" and immediately more desirable???
I actually think this phenomena is a major strike against the theory of evolution. I mean, if propogation of the species was at work here, then the most popular people on the dating scene would be single women with LOTS of kids, right? Think about it: there are no other men to fight off and she's proven multiple times that she can successfully bear children. She's like a biological supermodel. If evolution were true, then naughty men's magazines would have graphic full-page spreads of Labor and Delivery rooms. Mechanics would have calendars on their walls with pictures of fetal development and tired women with breastpumps. Fashion magazines would airbrush stretchmarks ONTO the models.
Our day is coming, ladies. Until then, fight the urge to make googly eyes at the man with the Baby Bjorn. They're onto us...he probably dusted himself with baby powder to heighten the effect. It's probably not even his kid.