Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Evolution of a diet

I don't know why this always happens. I'll notice I'm gaining a little weight. That evening, I throw a little going away party for cheese (intimate, just the two of us) by toasting a half-pound of it with two glasses of wine, because TOMORROW I'M NOT GOING TO EAT.

Not TOMORROW I'M GOING TO WALK THREE MILES, or TOMORROW I'M GOING TO EAT 1200 CALORIES. Just, I'M NOT GOING TO EAT.

This is dumb because usually I can drink coffee all morning and just plain FORGET to eat until 3pm, but after these romantic cheese parties and stalwart anti-eating declarations, I wake up DESPERATE TO EAT.

Last night, not only did I have a cheese party, I had a pear custard pie party, a homemade fried chicken party, and a roasted potato party. They partied late into the night in my stomach while I laid in bed and groaned. Clutching my stomach and making delusional resolutions.

This morning, I suspiciously watched half of a breakfast quesadilla go from crispy-flakey-oozey to greasy-heavy-rubbery, it's pointy end following my movements like a compass arrow. The quesadilla had locked on its target and would not let go until it had successfully launched straight onto my butt.

This is when I'M NOT GOING TO EAT turns into YOU HAVE TO EAT SOMETHING, WHY NOT THAT?

And it doesn't really count, because it doesn't even look good anymore and anyhow I didn't even make it for myself.

Essential diet tip of the delusional: OTHER PEOPLE'S FOOD HAS NO CALORIES.

So I heat it up, but really to get it crisp again the pan needs some butter. And really, this is just all fat and carbs and hadn't I better add half an avocado to it? You know, FOR NUTRITION?

This is when I realize what a small little piece it really was. Barely two bites! And I have to use up the other half of the avocado or isn't it going to go bad?

So I have to go now. The memory of crispy, buttery tortilla, creamy avocado and the slight tang of Tapatio sauce is fading from my tongue.

Tonight I will toast my cheese and try again. After all, "In order to succeed you must first be willing to fail," the saying goes.

I am willing. So very willing.

5 comments:

  1. Ha ha. Other people's food doesn't count, along with food you taste while making other food, nor food that might go bad if you don't eat it, and food that follows the 5 second rule.

    I never wanted to be one of those people who made New Year's Resolutions about dieting and working out. So busted.

    Stupid baby fat.

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  2. Living with one dude makes it hard to eat well... what with all the junk food they keep around. I can't image what it's like with THREE (not to mention all of those teenage friends who hang around your case!) I read this book a few years ago and it changed my life... so good and not ALL that hard to follow... if you're cool eating at home mostly. http://www.amazon.com/Ultrametabolism-Simple-Plan-Automatic-Weight/dp/0743272552

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just promise I will have your legs if I follow it!
      I'm actually very good about making and eating my food at home, which is probably the ONLY reason I don't weigh 400 pounds and need to be airlifted out of my bedroom window for an intervention with Dr. Phil.
      Going to check it out now-thanks!

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    2. if you can keep up my strict work-out routine of sitting all day long and doing the elliptical machine for 30 minutes one day a week BUT eating like a super-weirdo, you can achieve this look. i attribute eating at home to my not weighing 400 pounds too!

      Delete

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