Friday, September 17, 2010

Silencio, por favor

I haven't been saying much lately. Maybe you didn't notice? The thing is, lately I can't stand blogs. Mine or yours (but not hers or hers...they do their own stunts and are always redeeming). The thought of barfing out another useless blog post makes me sad. Sometimes the blogosphere smells like one big sewage recycling plant...barfing out the same barf someone already barfed a million barfs ago. It is SO TIRED sometimes it makes me want to go Pete Townsend on my keyboard.
And what's with all the unpaid product endorsements? "This cream cured my chapped udders" "I'm swooning for this." Really? You swooned? Was your corset too tight? Did you have to be revived by smelling salts? Any particular organic brand you'd like to endorse? Cuz the next time you swoon I'm going to punch myself in the face, and I'm really going to need smelling salts.
I had a mean, grouchy, talented AP English teacher in high school. And when we would write, he'd say "If it's already been said, and you can't say it differently, then please DON'T BOTHER!"
Kind of a good rule, don't you think? Maybe a good way not to be a regurgitator is to be honest. Say something truthful, painful, or surprising. If you're a designer, show us your own work. Put something out there that wasn't there before. And if you got nothin of your own, maybe you should go out and DO things for a while and get yourself something.

So in that vein, here's what's really going on this week.
We're applying for new health insurance and they've asked us, a number of times now, both in writing and on recorded phone calls, to swear on our dead mothers that we've never suffered mental or physical ailments of any kind. Because your mothers are going to be dead if we find out you're lying to us. Insurance companies are such goons. I truly fear them and their power as if they're some Japanese street fighting gang controlling my neighborhood.

The final question was totally bizarro. The lady said, please answer yes or no: "I am not seeking insurance because of an illness. It is only for peace of mind."

Oh, what a psychotic system this is. No, of course I wouldn't expect my health insurance to treat my illnesses! That would be crazy!
Geez people, I just don't wanna die! That's all. I'm not even asking for peace of mind. Just agree to stop the bleeding and reattach the limbs if necessary. Please insure me. Or I'll have to defect to Cuba. I like those cars...

Also, the youngest is going totally bat guano on us lately. On top of that, he suddenly can't sleep and wants all the lights on. Which, according to all the parenting books, is the number one sign he's taking drugs or that something far more sinister is going on. Which is why I don't read parenting books. But thanks, stupid child psychologists, for making parenting an even more paranoid experience.

And finally, Pork Chop here sure is cute but he's been busy coating everything in our house in thick, musky, brown dog pee. Like, the smell does not go away after it's cleaned up with toxic, non-Mrs. Meyers, bleach-based contraband cleaners. Yes, getting him fixed will help. But the husband is feigning ineptitude in locating one of the 90 vets within a mile of us to perform this basic task. I'm about to do it myself with a pizza cutter. Shut up, PETA.

Yeah, not glamorous. No product recommendations or overexposed lying-sack-of-poo photos showing us all perfect and enjoying an end-of-summer tomato salad on the beach. I had In-n-Out and a beer for dinner. You want a picture of that?? Besides, it would take too long to crop out the dog pee, the pizza cutter, me shaking a fist at the husband, the oldest rolling his eyes, and the youngest rolling on the floor being weird. Photoshop just isn't that good. And you know what? Neither are we. Deal, yo.


  1. that had to be the funniest thing i've read in a LONG time. I usually try to feign some kind of working face while at the computer in the office, but i was a goner at "shut up, PETA."


  2. There are some shades of Rose in this post, no?
    Aw, crap. I am my mother.

  3. I'm glad I made the cut. Jaime and I are rad, obviously.

    But yeah, lots of blogs feel a bit like publicity machines for a lifestyle that is unachievable. The consuming of images and products and tips for living can be a bit much. I'm tired of looking at a bunch of shit I can't have and a bunch of shit people didn't do. Having taste and making taste are different.

    I fucking hate cooking. HATE IT. I buy my shit at the fresh and easy and don't have an oven, so all the foodie shit makes me feel like a loser.

    We've got no insurance now, and I need a root canal. I'm going to take a photo of my rotting molar and ask for donations.

  4. That's some funny guano! When I read blogs that include swoon, I heart this or that and blah, blah, blah, no? It makes me nauseous. Who in the bleep*bleep*bleep really speaks like that?

  5. Guilty as charged. I say "swoon". Thanks to your post I will never say or write it again.
    This post had me rolling. You are right on. I was just having this conversation with another blogger today. Hmmm, it must be in the air.

  6. Awww, Bink swoon away. I'm just being a crotchety anti-blogger right now. You're right though, it is in the air. The blogosphere is having an originality crisis. I think there's going to be a revolt soon...

  7. Lol, Summer,

    I totally agree. Sometimes, it just seems like "why am I doing this?" Especially lately, as you've probably noticed, I've had the doldrums. I am lucky that I can get myself up every day, go to work, smile, and drive back home safely, let alone produce some witty, sparkling example of my overflowing creativity.
    On the bright side of things, I did buy a pair of pants. Gap is running an awesome sale, and I found a promo at retailmenot.
    So, I'll look pretty, even if I have a bad attitude about it.


  8. Sarah-but I do love me some Che blog! I love that it aspires to nothing but Sarah-ness. I'm gonna barf a little as I say this, but you're authentic. Ick, that tasted bad. And felt a little pretentious.
    Good pants will cure what ails ya, surely! Wish I could find some...

  9. Brickie (which is what I call you in my mind)-OBVIOUSLY. Now I'm picturing you shuffling around Fresh and Easy in your slippers, with all the other unemployed, uninsured Hemetites.
    If they only knew that was a famous designer hovering in the discounted meat section...
    Your next post should be titled "Will redesign dental office for root canal"

  10. Good pants? The J Crew minnies are totally swoon worthy. Haha. And forget the twill ones, go for the wool stretch, very lightweight and super slimming. Loving the ankle length. They're not cheap, but cheap pants just don't cut it for me. I'd rather wear a thrifted top (or Forever 21 or target or whatever to buy better bottoms.) Wish I could buy a better bottom for reals.......I could use it.

  11. ugh health insurance is the lamest fucking shit ever. sometimes our country really lets a girl down.

  12. Sad, the computer just lost my comment.

    Have to say, thanks for the love, Summer! And I love Modernhaus - even if there's a rant now and then. Can't be much more real than that.


  13. p.s. if I don't get the health insurance, I think I'll just buy a bunch of good pants...if I'm gonna bleed out might as well do it in the most flattering fit.
    Sarah is your pic from La Jolla? I think my old b/f and I carved our pathetic, obsessive love into that rock a few centuries ago.

  14. Maybe you should drink a little wine before writing blog posts...that might be fun and interesting. You could write about the new bottle of wine you just tried immediately before posting. :)


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