Monday, May 31, 2010

Anti-Aging Secrets Revealed-Free Tricks the Cosmetics Industry Doesn't Want You to Know About!!

I couldn't get any aging B-list stars to do my infomercial, and I was also turned away by the Home Shopping Network. So, you can't buy this and pay in three installments like you did with your Thigh Master, Snuggie, FlowBee, or Rejuvenique Face Mask. But I promise you can afford it.

The answer to aging, the Botox substitute, the Everywoman's answer to wrinkles and the deep, permanent lines you had given up on erasing:

BANGS.

Did your mother ever tell you "your face is going to stick like that"? I'm here to tell you it's not an old wive's tale.
I worried, and my face stuck like that.
Now, even when I'm not worried, my face worries on its own. People constantly ask me what's wrong/why I'm mad. The muscle between my eyes has permanently contracted like one long Braxton Hicks, which is fitting since the worry is DIRECTLY related to childbearing.

And, just like after spending four years breastfeeding my barracuda-like male children when I wondered if I was "the sort that gets implants" (I was not...I was the sort that bought gel bras for a year and then gave up), the craggy crevice between my eyes had me wondering if I was "the sort that gets Botox." And, since I AM "the sort that buys undies in 6-packs at Costco and tinted Burts Bees chapstick at the health food store in lieu of makeup", you can imagine how that identity crisis ended as well.

It was only by fortunate accident that I stumbled upon the cure. I have a big head. You wouldn't be amiss in asking me if "I wanted some hair with that forehead." Yes, that forehead DOES go all the way up. When a very short haircut grew out and left me with long bangs, I realized that the answer had been right in front of me (or on top of me, as it were) all along. LONG BANGS COVER HALF YOUR FACE, and THUS, HALF YOUR WRINKLES.

No, they don't make me look like Camilla Belle, for whom bangs were obviously invented.




But I am channeling my inner Grace Slick (I'll give you one guess what she's doing behind the big red X) with some long, rounded, slightly punk-y bangs and I swear it's taken five or more years off.



A side-by-side comparison proves that bangs take years off a person. See how Slick looks at least 40 years older without them. This is not trick photography!



So put away your wallets. Everything you needed to know about wrinkle cures you learned in kindergarten. Bangs = eternal youth.

Just don't let my mom cut them for you. No matter what she says, she WILL nip your eyelids with the scissors, and your bangs WILL be three inches above your eyebrows when they dry. She will apologize and say she doesn't know how that happened, since she only took a tiny bit off. You will cry and feel very ugly, and it will be school picture day. Your jacked bangs will be immortalized in yearbooks many, many times before you can afford to sneak out to Supercuts on your own dime.

30 comments:

  1. Summer,

    My mom used to cut my bangs too (Augh!). And my grandma used the electric shears for the dog. On my head.

    Bad, bad hair. The day I discovered I could save up my allowance for a haircut was a very happy day - even if I was obsessed with pixies.

    ReplyDelete
  2. ack! mine were always cut three inches above my eyebrows and crooked. my mom only let me have bangs when they were unstylish and dorky. in jr high when everyone was doing huge aquanet bangs, my mom didn't want me having them any more...go figure. i had a friend cut mine, and even though they were crooked, you couldn't tell once i got the curling iron after them.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh, Anonymous I forgot about the "crooked" part...yes of course to add to the humiliation it was required that they be ridiculously crooked. True, Aquanet and curling irons covered a multitude of sins...remember how the curling iron got that burnt brown Aquanet crust on it, which needed to be periodically scraped off?
    Sarah, sometimes I just don't know how you survived to become the fashionista you are today....dog shears? I think I'm going to start a new list: You probably grew up poor if....
    Want to start adding to it??

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