Love thy neighbor

means don't kill them. Dang.




Everyone in the neighborhood calls him the Admiral. He hates everything, living or dead. Animate, inanimate. Doesn't matter. And we, apparently, have "shattered" his ability to live out his hateful life in peaceful malice and impotent frustration. All he wants is to quietly poison a few dogs and perhaps dismember a few cats in his golden years. And to spend his nocturnal hours rummaging through the bushes on the side of our house, free from the barking of suspicious dogs (lord knows why his constant presence in our bushes should make the dogs nervous..). Is it too much to ask?

This is the email I receieved from him yesterday. I give it an A+ for creative use of superlatives and writerly ability to dramatize the mundane (i.e. a couple of barks when stranger enters our yard="angry vocal assault").

p.s.: if you kill dogs as a hobby, they probably won't want to be your friends...
p.p.s: you stink of evil, and they can smell it

DEAR NEIGHBORS ,THE QUALITY AND SERENITY OF LIFE AT MY HOME HAS BEEN SHATTERED BY THE CONTINUOUS AND RELENTLESS BARKING OF YOUR DOGS .
I CANNOT ARRIVE HOME WITHOUT BEING CHALLENGED AND ASSAULTED BY THEIR ANGRY AND RELENTLESS BARKING ! AND ANY OTHER HUMAN BEING WHO COMES
WITHIN THEIR RANGE GETS A SIMILAR ANGRY VOCAL ASSAULT AND I ALSO SUFFER FROM THIS WHILE INDOORS . .
I CANNOT EXIT MY BACK DOOR OR BE PRESENT IN MY OWN BACKYARD WITHOUT BEING ASSAULTED WITH RELENTLESS BARKING .THE LAST TWO SATURDAY EVENINGS HAVE BEEN ESPECIALLY AGONIZING AND RUINED DURING YOUR APPARENT ABSENCE . I WAS NOT ABLE TO CONVERSE WITH MY NEIGHBOR
OVER OUR FENCE BECAUSE YOUR ANGRY DOG WOULD NOT LEAVE US ALONE -EVEN AFTER REPEATEDLY CHASING HIM AWAY .WHEN I WENT TO YOUR FRONT DOOR TO
COMPLAIN I WAS ASSAULTED AND NIPPED ON THE LEG BY YOUR DOG NAMED JACK .
BARKING AND BEING WATCHDOGS IS THE GENETIC NATURE OF DOGS . AND SO THE BASIC PROBLEM APPARENTLY IS THAT THE OWNERS ALLOW AND THEREFORE ENCOURAGE THIS ANIMAL BEHAVIOR WITH LITTLE REGARD FOR THE PEACE OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD .YOUR OCCASIONAL ON -THE- SPOT ADMONISHMENTS SOMETIMES END A BARKING ASSAULT , BUT ARE NOT SUFFICIENT FOR EFFECTIVE TRAINING .THIS HAS ALSO BEEN A PROBLEM WITH ALL OF YOUR PREVIOUS DOGS .
I WILL NO LONGER BE SILENT ON THIS PROBLEM AND NOW REGRET MY PREVIOUS PASSIVITY .
RUBEN , MORE THAN A MONTH AGO YOU PROMISED THAT NUISANCE DOG JACK WOULD BE GONE IN A MATTER OF DAYS .I NOW SUGGEST THAT YOU
BE RID OF HIM ASAP, BUT NOT LATER THAN SAT EVE OCT 9TH !!
HOPEFULLY WHEN YOU HAVE JUST THE SINGLE RESPONSIBILITY OF DOG NAMED NIGHTLY , YOU CAN TRAIN HIM TO BE RESPECTFUL AND FRIENDLY TO HUMAN BEINGS PASSING BY ---SPECIFICALLY TO ME ! I HAVE TRIED REPEATEDLY FROM THE BEGINNING TO BECOME FRIENDLY WITH HIM , BUT WITH ZERO SUCCESS . I BELIEVE HE CONSIDERS ME HOSTILE BECAUSE YOU HAVE NEVER GIVEN EITHER OF US THE OPPORTUNITY TO BE SEEN AS FRIENDLY IN HIS PRESENCE . WE SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT WAY BACK NEAR DAY ONE ! BUT ,I AM STILL WILLING TO TRY THAT APPROACH . SURELY , THE DOG WILL NOT TRAIN HIMSELF ! AND I WILL NOT WASTE ANY MORE OF MY TIME BEGGING FOR PEACE WITH THAT ANIMAL WITH NO COOPERATION FROM HIS OWNERS .
WE SHOULD AND MUST WORK THIS OUT FOR A PEACEFUL CONCLUSION AS GOOD NEIGHBORS . COMMENTS FROM PEOPLE PASSING BY THIS BARKING OUTRAGE SUGGEST I CONTACT LA MESA ANIMAL CONTROL WHO WILL EFFECTIVELY INTERVENE . I HAVE NOT DONE SO , AND HOPE IT DOES NOT BECOME AN OPTION OF LAST RESORT .
MOST SINCERELY, YOUR PEACEFUL NEIGHBOR OF MANY YEARS