I'm ba-aaaack! Well, sort of. My body came back a few days ahead of my brain, which is still in a king-sized bed looking out over the Wainiha River Valley, wondering what kind of fish to barbecque tonight. My brain gets to have all the fun.
My body? Has been in school offices, trying to explain to principals and crusty old office ladies how Kauai was a sort of unavoidable family emergency/business trip and certainly NOT an 8-day unexcused absence! Duh!
Didn't you miss me? And my special talents, mockery and self-effacement?
I forgot your puka-shell anklet. Sorry. I mean, I thought of you a few times, and how I should get you something, but then after spending a few days in a living Corona commercial, I totally forgot everything and started saying things like "righteous" and "no problem". Seriously, all my hair could have fallen out and I would have said, "It's all good". I did in fact find those dolphin toe-rings I was talking about, and if it really means a lot to you I'll go back and get you one. Today.
SO, unexpected pleasure of Kauai #1: you can show up at the grocery store in a bathing suit and a decorative strip of fabric you found hanging on the wall at your house, and be the best-dressed customer. Add the toe-ring and you're overdressed.
Oh yes. Whitest person on the beach? Me. I looked like an albino sea-slug. Snorkelers kept swimming up to me with their waterproof cameras. But, you know, it's all good.
Update on "Neighborgate":Pitiful sack of hate had actually already called animal control before writing that email. I think he was hoping for some Tom and Jerry cartoon-style dog catcher to show up with a net and throw our little guys into the slammer. I think he thought his cranky, baseless complaints carried more weight than they actually did...
Meanwhile, in the 48 hours that I've been home, I've tallied the number of times the dogs have barked. Currently, 0.
D-bag has been carpeting his backyard (I'm not kidding) in peace. He probably thinks he's had some kind of victory. He's probably grinning sadistically while rolling out some scavenged orange shag right now. It makes me want to open a preschool in my yard, buy a pack of roosters, and install an ultra-high-wattage yard light aimed in his direction.