Pair of grand, curvaceous Italian ladies

seeking permanent American residence. Although rather old, they've kept up their appearances and, in fact, are lovelier now than when they were young.

Solid, hand-carved alabaster.
Available in the shop this eve.

Craigslist Victory!

Cue the Hallelujah chorus! Merely four years after completing our kitchen remodel, I've finally found "THE RUG".



Antique, Turkish, vegetable dyed, nearly destroyed in all the right ways, and only 80 clams on Craigslist.



I almost didn't get it. I sent the huzzy over to pick it up and he called me and whispered into his cell, "Are you sure about this thing? It's really messed up..."



How to explain to huz good messed up and bad messed up?

So I just hissed, "Don't come home without it!"
The seller bought it in Germany, at a Turkish market, decades ago. Over the phone he said it was a magic carpet but he never could figure out how to make it fly. This is why I send the huz for pickups now. Trying hard not get murdered here. Rolled up into a Turkish rug and waking up in Germany.



I'm moderately embarrassed that I didn't clean the kitchen before taking pictures. Eh. We'll all survive.

Boys Club

Since the youngest Haus boy took over my office and got a hasty re-design and some new furniture, the oldest has gotten pretty whiney about his babyish Pottery Barn bunkbeds and lime green walls. Oh, boo-hoo.

After I got over being irritated that nothing is ever good enough for kids these days (uh, kid you got your OWN BEDROOM...something I have waited my whole life for and don't think I'll ever get at this point), I took a look and decided he's right. And secretly, I really want the challenge of designing a boy's room that doesn't look theme-y (no PB Teen faux-skater wall murals, futons, or Metallica posters) and is consistent with the rest of the house.

So, to get all my ideas in one place I thought I'd create a project board. Obviously some of these pieces are "inspirational" in nature and I'll find things on Craigslist that approximate the style (the Arne Jacobsen egg chair, for example, is possibly not happening).

The foundation elements are a dark wall (I'm thinking charcoal) and an antique wooden spool bed.



The purpose of the dark wall? To provide a backdrop to the accessories: a Mid-Century floor lamp (I really want a brass eyeball lamp), and vintage school maps above the bed. I thought it would be cool to find maps of places he wants to travel to (currently Japan and Australia).



A gleaming old tanker desk and vintage Army trunk (we already have this piece) should be pretty hard to destroy. Plus, both pieces say "boy" without shoving it down your throat.



Finally, I know leather is a masculine cliche, but it's one that I subscribe to. This room is all about textures and surfaces, and I love the texture of old leather.



Now to harness my Craigslist super powers and make it happen!

picture of bedroom with dark wall courtesy of m'lady Morgan at Brick House

Please allow me to (re)introduce myself...

Let's get reacquainted, kay?
I like long walks in wheelchairs (I'm not a vegetarian, but I am a sedentarian) and telling you things.

Have you ever been seized by the desire to waltz around the room at the end of The Darjeeling Limited? It's because of this song. My friends just used it for their wedding dance. Primo choice, guys. Although you were a little hard to see from where you sat me...at the table farthest away from you. I have a feeling that when planning the seating chart you referred to table 13 as "the loud table." Possibly, "the obnoxiously loud table." Whatevs bridezilla. I saw you laying face-down on the dancefloor. I am unfamiliar with that particular dance move. You'll have to teach me when you get back...



The color green was obviously invented for redheads. So, suck it blondie.



Mmmmm, tuna on toast. My secret weapon. If people stop by and you have sourdough bread, cans of tuna, cheese, and lemon, you can feed them. Assemble and broil. A whole tray. Hey, where are you going? I said when people stop by. Geez, fattie.



I'm a sucker for sick humor. Super-sick. Like, bubonic plague sick.



This "inspirational poster" is so much better than the puppy/kitten ones hanging in junior high counseling offices worldwide (how is a kitten telling me to "hang in there" going to help me grow boobs or pass algebra II ??!!)



Now you go. What's up my fine ladyfriends? Let me guess...you're thinking about trying to lose some weight, and...would really like to find a good book to read. Right? Am I right??

Cooter Pancakes

If there was a way to share this without offending every last one of you, I would do it. I considered editing out some of the language, but my husband tells me that doesn't work because your mind automatically supplies the missing words. Geez, your mind has potty mouth. So, this is not for the timid, sensitive, or easy (or moderately easy) to offend, but it IS the funniest retelling of the American healthcare experience EVER.
Add to it a crazed mob of abortion protesters screaming, "DON'T KILL YOUR BABY" at your car window and there you have pretty much every emergency medical experience I've ever had.
Oh yeah, and the one time the intern and attending stood next to my vomit-ravaged, delirious body debating the merits of "anorexia" as a diagnosis. It was my gall bladder dudes, but you were close...real close.

Kauai...let's discuss

I'm ba-aaaack! Well, sort of. My body came back a few days ahead of my brain, which is still in a king-sized bed looking out over the Wainiha River Valley, wondering what kind of fish to barbecque tonight. My brain gets to have all the fun.



My body? Has been in school offices, trying to explain to principals and crusty old office ladies how Kauai was a sort of unavoidable family emergency/business trip and certainly NOT an 8-day unexcused absence! Duh!

Didn't you miss me? And my special talents, mockery and self-effacement?
I forgot your puka-shell anklet. Sorry. I mean, I thought of you a few times, and how I should get you something, but then after spending a few days in a living Corona commercial, I totally forgot everything and started saying things like "righteous" and "no problem". Seriously, all my hair could have fallen out and I would have said, "It's all good". I did in fact find those dolphin toe-rings I was talking about, and if it really means a lot to you I'll go back and get you one. Today.

SO, unexpected pleasure of Kauai #1: you can show up at the grocery store in a bathing suit and a decorative strip of fabric you found hanging on the wall at your house, and be the best-dressed customer. Add the toe-ring and you're overdressed.

Oh yes. Whitest person on the beach? Me. I looked like an albino sea-slug. Snorkelers kept swimming up to me with their waterproof cameras. But, you know, it's all good.


Update on "Neighborgate":Pitiful sack of hate had actually already called animal control before writing that email. I think he was hoping for some Tom and Jerry cartoon-style dog catcher to show up with a net and throw our little guys into the slammer. I think he thought his cranky, baseless complaints carried more weight than they actually did...
Meanwhile, in the 48 hours that I've been home, I've tallied the number of times the dogs have barked. Currently, 0.
D-bag has been carpeting his backyard (I'm not kidding) in peace. He probably thinks he's had some kind of victory. He's probably grinning sadistically while rolling out some scavenged orange shag right now. It makes me want to open a preschool in my yard, buy a pack of roosters, and install an ultra-high-wattage yard light aimed in his direction.

Going to there-cheap travels in Kauai

Here's a hint: rent a vacation house.


and hiking there

snorkeling here

driving to that

sleeping in that

kayaking up that

and there will be no guest-blogging. I suggest you troll the archives, as they are mildly entertaining. I read old posts to make myself laugh. Sometimes at my pompous verbosity. Sometimes at my acid wit. Sometimes at my amateur, yet winning style. Ha ha. That sounds like a New York Times book review.
Anyhoo, if you're good I'll bring you 1980s pooka shell necklaces. If you're really, really good I'll bring you a dolphin toe ring. You know you lost your last one at a pool party in 1989. You know, the one you wore with your denim overalls.

So, I hope I don't die of scared-ness when I feel my foot touch something in the water. I hope I don't die of hyperventilating while scuba-ing.
I hope I don't come back too overpopulated with freckles. I hope there is something to buy other than sarongs and ankle bracelets. I hope I can develop a taste for shaved ice and sand in my crack, when what I really want is a nice museum somewhere in Europe.

Love thy neighbor

means don't kill them. Dang.




Everyone in the neighborhood calls him the Admiral. He hates everything, living or dead. Animate, inanimate. Doesn't matter. And we, apparently, have "shattered" his ability to live out his hateful life in peaceful malice and impotent frustration. All he wants is to quietly poison a few dogs and perhaps dismember a few cats in his golden years. And to spend his nocturnal hours rummaging through the bushes on the side of our house, free from the barking of suspicious dogs (lord knows why his constant presence in our bushes should make the dogs nervous..). Is it too much to ask?

This is the email I receieved from him yesterday. I give it an A+ for creative use of superlatives and writerly ability to dramatize the mundane (i.e. a couple of barks when stranger enters our yard="angry vocal assault").

p.s.: if you kill dogs as a hobby, they probably won't want to be your friends...
p.p.s: you stink of evil, and they can smell it

DEAR NEIGHBORS ,THE QUALITY AND SERENITY OF LIFE AT MY HOME HAS BEEN SHATTERED BY THE CONTINUOUS AND RELENTLESS BARKING OF YOUR DOGS .
I CANNOT ARRIVE HOME WITHOUT BEING CHALLENGED AND ASSAULTED BY THEIR ANGRY AND RELENTLESS BARKING ! AND ANY OTHER HUMAN BEING WHO COMES
WITHIN THEIR RANGE GETS A SIMILAR ANGRY VOCAL ASSAULT AND I ALSO SUFFER FROM THIS WHILE INDOORS . .
I CANNOT EXIT MY BACK DOOR OR BE PRESENT IN MY OWN BACKYARD WITHOUT BEING ASSAULTED WITH RELENTLESS BARKING .THE LAST TWO SATURDAY EVENINGS HAVE BEEN ESPECIALLY AGONIZING AND RUINED DURING YOUR APPARENT ABSENCE . I WAS NOT ABLE TO CONVERSE WITH MY NEIGHBOR
OVER OUR FENCE BECAUSE YOUR ANGRY DOG WOULD NOT LEAVE US ALONE -EVEN AFTER REPEATEDLY CHASING HIM AWAY .WHEN I WENT TO YOUR FRONT DOOR TO
COMPLAIN I WAS ASSAULTED AND NIPPED ON THE LEG BY YOUR DOG NAMED JACK .
BARKING AND BEING WATCHDOGS IS THE GENETIC NATURE OF DOGS . AND SO THE BASIC PROBLEM APPARENTLY IS THAT THE OWNERS ALLOW AND THEREFORE ENCOURAGE THIS ANIMAL BEHAVIOR WITH LITTLE REGARD FOR THE PEACE OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD .YOUR OCCASIONAL ON -THE- SPOT ADMONISHMENTS SOMETIMES END A BARKING ASSAULT , BUT ARE NOT SUFFICIENT FOR EFFECTIVE TRAINING .THIS HAS ALSO BEEN A PROBLEM WITH ALL OF YOUR PREVIOUS DOGS .
I WILL NO LONGER BE SILENT ON THIS PROBLEM AND NOW REGRET MY PREVIOUS PASSIVITY .
RUBEN , MORE THAN A MONTH AGO YOU PROMISED THAT NUISANCE DOG JACK WOULD BE GONE IN A MATTER OF DAYS .I NOW SUGGEST THAT YOU
BE RID OF HIM ASAP, BUT NOT LATER THAN SAT EVE OCT 9TH !!
HOPEFULLY WHEN YOU HAVE JUST THE SINGLE RESPONSIBILITY OF DOG NAMED NIGHTLY , YOU CAN TRAIN HIM TO BE RESPECTFUL AND FRIENDLY TO HUMAN BEINGS PASSING BY ---SPECIFICALLY TO ME ! I HAVE TRIED REPEATEDLY FROM THE BEGINNING TO BECOME FRIENDLY WITH HIM , BUT WITH ZERO SUCCESS . I BELIEVE HE CONSIDERS ME HOSTILE BECAUSE YOU HAVE NEVER GIVEN EITHER OF US THE OPPORTUNITY TO BE SEEN AS FRIENDLY IN HIS PRESENCE . WE SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT WAY BACK NEAR DAY ONE ! BUT ,I AM STILL WILLING TO TRY THAT APPROACH . SURELY , THE DOG WILL NOT TRAIN HIMSELF ! AND I WILL NOT WASTE ANY MORE OF MY TIME BEGGING FOR PEACE WITH THAT ANIMAL WITH NO COOPERATION FROM HIS OWNERS .
WE SHOULD AND MUST WORK THIS OUT FOR A PEACEFUL CONCLUSION AS GOOD NEIGHBORS . COMMENTS FROM PEOPLE PASSING BY THIS BARKING OUTRAGE SUGGEST I CONTACT LA MESA ANIMAL CONTROL WHO WILL EFFECTIVELY INTERVENE . I HAVE NOT DONE SO , AND HOPE IT DOES NOT BECOME AN OPTION OF LAST RESORT .
MOST SINCERELY, YOUR PEACEFUL NEIGHBOR OF MANY YEARS

Brigitte

Should I even bother addressing the thin postings lately?
Well, at least something about me is thin.
I know, we are not supposed to say these things about ourselves. Otherwise, the UNIVERSE will not send us fabulous-ness, which is what Oprah implied when she told us about the SECRET.
I don't know how that's working out for her. Is she asking the universe for pork chops? Because it seems to be sending her a lot of them.

So, anyway, am I the only kid in school who didn't know Brigitte Bardot sang cool, dorky French pop songs?
I love this one. It's like, the song you put on when you're getting ready for a night out. It makes you want to dance around in your bra and shake your butt in the mirror and flip your hair around. Not me. You. Puhleez, I'm way too hip and ironic for that.

Excuse the unecessary boobage. Also excuse the photograph of Kylie Minogue someone slipped in there. Actually, don't excuse it. Draw a mustache on it.

Ready? Shirts off...go!