In an uncharacteristically stupid move, the government temporarily disabled Blogger recently to test the effects on society.
And by society of course I mean women.
Men are just changing the oil and shuffling papers around desks to look busy. The government already knows this. They invented it (during Prohibition there was indeed a rise in oil changes and paper-shuffling rates among men. But nothing else changed. Nada. End of social experiment).
Some questions they are trying to answer:
Would workplace productivity go up?
Would houses be cleaner and school bake-sale participation increase (it's a little known fact that bake sales account for 10% of our national GDP--no wonder they are concerned!)
With a few extra minutes on their hands, would the women help the dudes fix the recession/national debt/oil prices?
Can they really trace the decline in school test scores, job creation, and spending at SEARS to the rise in popularity of "A Cup of Jo"?
All these things needed answering, and there was only one way to find out: cripple Blogger and watch what happened.
Only instead, this little experiment has led to epic lifestyle chaos.
How do we make choices if the guiding lights of our socity are suddently shut off?
It's like if in the Olde Days someone took away the Bible, the Farmer's Almanac, insect plagues, and moonshine. No moral compass! No way to determine who is evil! No more spontaneous fiddle dances!
Why, just this morning I saw a poor, bewildered woman walking down the street wearing equal parts Benetton and Esprit. With jelly shoes. She had apparently reverted back to the last time she made a style choice on her own without the help of blogs...1989.
Kiosks selling hair scrunchies have sprouted up at malls seemingly overnight!
And somewhere a once-stylish and confident woman is at Home Depot choosing Navajo White paint and buying fleur de lis drapes at JC Penney. Before this cruel experiment? She would have chosen a color called "Soot" from Fine Paints of Europe's "Places Bombed in WWII" historical collection. And curtains handblocked in India by the slaves/artisan community run be a famous textile designer. And maybe, if she read the edgier blogs, some invisible chairs from Philip Starck's new "Practical Joke" line of furniture.
So please, Nancy Pelosi, end this madness and give us our Blogger back. Cup of Jo is getting cranky. She hasn't washed her striped boatneck French terry Petit Bateau t-shirt in days.
Purchases of fascinators and owl-themed items on Etsy are at a stand-still! Cupcakes and Cashmere is actually trying to make cupcakes! We are forgetting how to spell "lurve" and no one has said "I heart that" since Monday. These important traditions could be lost forever if you don't act quickly.