It Used to be Easy to be Cool

until the internet ruined it.

A golden-haired girl and I, we have a little joke about blogging.  We were riffing on the idea that if you were young and lovely, recently employed at a well-known magazine, lived in New York and owned an Apple computer in 2002, creating a popular blog was ridiculously straightforward.

We made up a hypothetical blog post from this quaint era, and it goes something like this:

"Food-have you heard of it? I discovered it in Brooklyn this weekend!  Do you think you would try food?  Discuss!"

Fast-forward to today and every blogger is an HTML-writing, photoshopping, link embedding, monetizing, branding, logo-designing, networking, non-gluten-eating, nasty green drink-making, tomato-growing, live edge coffee table-owning mo-chine.  Even the newest and most obscure of blogs makes the online presence of major corporations look prehistoric.

To prove how easy blogging used to be, I just came up with six vintage-style blog posts in six seconds!  It was that easy.

2004- "Amy Butler fabric-I want to buy some and make pillows!  Which Amy Butler fabric do you like best?"

2005- "Design Sponge-I discovered it yesterday!  Have you heard of it?  Copy and paste this URL until I Google instructions for creating live links!"

2006- "Bunting-You can hang it over your bed OR your sofa!  Do you have bunting?  You don't?  Why not?"

2007- "I saw a girl on a bike with braids in Brooklyn this weekend!"

2008- "I went to the best wedding this weekend!  The amazing bride and groom used giant balloons and mustaches on a stick in their photos!"

2009- "I discovered that you can drink out of Mason jars!  Would you drink out of a Mason jar?  Here is a link to the instruction on how to drink from a Mason jar!"

I bet you can think of many more!  But now I'm tired, because creating a modern blogpost takes so much energy.  Some day our robotic body-doubles will do it for us, or maybe we will outsource it to India.  The future of blogging is anyone's guess.  I just don't know what I'm going to do with all this unused bunting...

I DARE YOU

Not to do everything you planned to do today, and at least one thing you didn't.

Don't grow old and orderly and silence the wonders of the universe.

Break one of your own rules, or one of theirs. Make sure you can tell the difference.


Oh, you thought I didn't do this anymore?

You're probably a hipster if:

Eventually all your favorite bands make car commercials.

It's ok Little Joy. You speak Portuguese. I still want to kiss you on the mouth.

You're Probably a Hipster If...Jokes

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, it's kind of an obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.

(courtesy of the 9th graders at High Tech High Media Arts...hipsters-in-training the lot of 'em)

So you have a job interview at the Ace

See the original "you're probably a hipster" post here!

Congratulations, hipster! You had at least enough ambition to shuffle over to your Mac and send an email to whatever the Ace calls their human resources department (probably homey hirers or something?)

And now you have an interview. Uh oh. I think that means something is happening face-to-face! I don't think they're going to text you questions while you eat Cheetos and smoke in bed, or ask you to send a PDF file of your artwork.

Dang. Now what?

You have no work experience, so you definitely can't rely on references or...ability.

But there's one thing you do well in this world, and it's look the part.

So study this handy "Anatomy of an Ace Employee" and go get that minimum wage job!

First, if you don't already have one, you'll need to buy this:



Or this--I would NOT choose "the Weasel". Especially if you drive a van. Especially if you have to pass a school on the way. You will definitely get arrested.



May I suggest "the Hollywood"?

Then you'll need this...but heed my warning: it must be ill-fitting and threadbare:



Then, for as many days as possible prior to the interview, you'll have to completely avoid this:



And anything like these:



In fact, don't lift anything heavier than your iphone. Try to stay in bed and eat Cheetos in the days leading up to the interview. If it looks like your heart rate has been elevated at all, the people at the Ace will know it. They will indignantly tell you to take your self-righteous exercise routine down the street to Whole Foods, where the physically-active preachy vegan hipsters work.


Oh hipsters, I sure have missed our time together!
Do you miss the hipster list? Check the old ones here.

p.s. in all fairness I have to say that the Ace has the best staff in Palm Springs. Better than the starts-with-a-P-ends-with-arker. They're friendly and nice and do their job right, even with all that hanging macrame getting in their eyes! I've never found their facial hair in my food, and I like their plaid shirts. And I want to be them.

Attention thrifty hipster Jazzercise leotard wearers

See the original "you're probably a hipster" post here!

I can't believe I'm sharing coupons like a dusty geezer.
But just in case your spandex Suzanne Somers-inspired Jazzercise gear is getting threadbare, click here to download a 50% off coupon for American Apparel.



I mean, who doesn't need to replace their buttless tights once in a while?

You're probably a hipster if...college edition!

The key to this look is the same as every other hipster look: most of your effort goes into looking like you don't care at all. Meanwhile, since you're getting all educated and whatnot, let's just say that there is a "subtext" to every good hipster outfit that "complicates" its apparent simplicity.



What's the subtext to a good college hipster outfit? Let's have a little tutorial from the teacher's edition, shall we?
Everyone says I'm hot (distressed jeans), but appearance doesn't matter to me (baggy cardigan). I come from money, but I hate pretention and will probably be a social worker for two years before I marry someone from the yacht club (Birkenstocks). I'm well-read and interesting (i.e. I have bangs and named my cat Beckett) and can sometimes correctly use the term "existential" in coffee house conversations...I might not even shave my armpits (literary t-shirt). My parents send me absurd amounts of money (especially when I threaten to join the Peace Corps), but to show solidarity I eat Top Ramen and say "OMG, I am SO broke too!" (Ray Bans).

Plus, this outfit comes with a hipster bonus: You can smirk with superiority when the hopelessly un-hip girl next to you exclaims, "Oh, I looove Maya Angel-owe!" Rookie!

Zooey D sings to me

See the original "you're probably a hipster" post here!

Dang. Does loving this make me a hipster?? The first 32 seconds of this clip =
girl crush.

"You're Probably a Hipster if..."

That's right! The list rises from the dead!

Stay tuned for occasional resurrections.

You're probably a hipster if...you hope your $6 Pabst Blue Ribbon lends credibility to your trucker moustache.





Click here for the whole list.

To the hipsters, with love

See the original "You're probably a hipster" list here!


The best wedding poem, ever.

To My Dear and Loving Husband

by Anne Bradstreet circa 1678

If ever two were one, then surely we.
If ever man were lov’d by wife, then thee.
If ever wife was happy in a man,
Compare with me, ye women, if you can.
I prize thy love more than whole Mines of gold
Or all the riches that the East doth hold.
My love is such that Rivers cannot quench,
Nor ought but love from thee give recompetence.
Thy love is such I can no way repay.
The heavens reward thee manifold, I pray.
Then while we live, in love let’s so persevere
That when we live no more, we may live ever.

All you need is love...

...but champagne and pulled pork sandwiches with pickled zucchini don't hurt a bit.
Tiny peek of the NYC hipster wedding at Freemans. Click for giant view.



See the original "You're probably a hipster" list here!

Because You Are Sew Hip

See the original "You're probably a hipster" list here!



The hipster bride-to-be wants to learn how to sew. Soon she'll be the picture of hipster domesticity, up to her elbows in Mrs. Meyers dishwashing bubbles, a vintage Jens Quistgaard pot of homegrown kale bubbling away on the stove, homesewn pillows and curtains in every room, and a little bun baking away under her handblocked Anthropologie apron.

Or maybe she'll be drinking a Stella and watching the Hills while Pete runs out for a pizza.

But either way, I immediately thought of this pillow project as being great for a beginner, and right up her Swedish alley.

From the folks at ReadyMade magazine, a Scandinavian bird motif pillow of appliqued felt. The pattern and instructions are freely accessible and downloadable without a subscription, because hipster magazines are nothing if not democratic. When we finish it ten years from now, I'll be sure to post the results.

Cute to adapt as a wallhanging or nursery stuff, dontcha think?

Did you miss the hipster list? Check it out here.

You're probably a hipster if....

See the original "You're probably a hipster" list here!



....you use Mac Photo Booth instead of a mirror.

This week's hipster jab inspired by the reader formerly known as Moniquenocat.

You're probably a hipster if....

See the original "You're probably a hipster" list here!

I've been taking it easy on the poor little fellas lately. I even had a petulant complaint from some little waif in Brooklyn about my "hatred" of hipsters, and thought I'd give these moving targets a break.

But, I've just received a reader request that said simply, "More hipster posts, please."

O.K., if you insist. It's not like I have a bunch just waiting to share with you. I've barely even thought about it. I only have this one, and I swear I just thought of it to make my reader happy. Refresh your memory of the others by clicking here, here, here and here.





You're probably a hipster if....

....you spent more on sunglasses than healthcare this year. Oh, hush. You KNOW you did!

The original hipsters

See the original "You're probably a hipster" list here!


So, maybe he's a perverted little weasel with dubious family values, but Woody Allen is also a genius. I never expected to encounter him in a Contemporary American Literature class, but I had a professor who taught all manner of weird and wonderful things.

I've never forgotten Woody Allen's short, the Whore of Mensa, that was published in (what else?) the New Yorker in the early 80s. Occasionally, if you see me chuckling at absolutely nothing, it's probably because a line from this story has just popped into my mind. And before you get your knickers in a knot, it's clean people.

By the way, it occurs to me that Woody Allen sort of invented pale, neurotic, skinny, nerdy hipsterness. And Diane Keaton was the original Sartorialist "it" girl with her fedoras, shrunken vests, giant pants, and men's ties. So, a little history lesson for the hipster young 'uns out there...honor your ancestors and read the story.

You're probably a hipster if...your bridal shower looks like this

See the original "You're probably a hipster" list here!

1) Serve an interesting variation of her favorite drink (hint: it's not a wine cooler):


the Moscow Mule:
2 oz. vodka
1 tbsp lime juice
ginger beer
(vodka and lime over ice in chilled glass, fill with ginger beer and serve with extra lime)

2) Feed the hipsters (they eat more than you think):

Purchase tofu salad rolls from your favorite Thai restaurant
Make chicken satays on the BBQ with Trader Joe's excellent Peanut Satay sauce
Jasmine Rice
Cucumber Sunomono:
3 halved, peeled, seeded, thinly sliced cucumbers,
9 tbsp rice vinegar
3 tbs brown sugar
3 tbsp cilantro chopped,
2 tbs nam pla/fish sauce
-mix and marinate for at least 30 minutes

3) Give a few tasteful gifts and do not allow anyone to holler "Speech!" afterwards:
Nan Lawson custom hipster portrait

Anthropologie bralette and tap pants


Or, if you're looking for some hip household goodies, I know of a great little online source:



4) Do NOT play games. I repeat, NO GAMES. No toilet paper wedding dress competitions. No egg or balloon relays. Someone in the 1700s decided women like this sort of thing, and it's time to move on.

5) Watch a movie:
Old


or Funny



6) Hit the jacuzzi. It is your job as hostess at this point to suppress indelicate discussions of...shall we say, marital intimacy (the good, the bad, the ugly). These discussions are best reserved for a "mom's night out" where us hardy veterans can handle the gritty stuff. The hipster bride SO does not want to hear it. In her mind, it's beautiful and scented with lavender. Let her have her dreams.

7) Repeat number one often

You're probably a hipster if...Mondays

You're probably a hipster if.....

you've bought the best yoga mat on the market,
yoga pants made from organic bamboo,
a subtly hip yoga bag,
and you really like the idea of yoga,
but....
you don't actually DO yoga.


You'll want to see the rest of the "You're probably a hipster" list HERE.



image from yogadawg

You're probably a hipster if....has a winner!

When she wrote to me about "corn plastics" and using "upcycled rice bags" for her groceries, I knew this was the girl for us. And as evidenced by her crafting, yogurt-making, (occasional) veganism, this girl is a real, live, professional hipster. I think I might challenge her to a "cheap-off" to see who can come up with the best thrifted outfit for $2.95 or less. She'll win.

She's adorable, she's smart, she's crafty, she's dedicated, she's......SARSHA!

(If you want to see the rest of the list, go here)

And SARSHA says that you're probably a hipster if......you have an urban chicken coop!

I was this close to adding that to the list myself, since the coop-lust has reached fever pitch amongst the hipsters here. I was going to ask what y'all thought of this Stepford Wives chicken coop, the Eglu. I hope they don't sue me, but aren't coops supposed to be made from scrap wood and chicken wire (thus the name)???

Well, if you're trying to raise little Stepford chickens, this is the coop for you. You'll probably push them to be the best and enroll them in too many after-coop activities. Eventually they'll rebel and let their feathers grow out...they'll start hanging out on the wrong side of the coop with unpedigreed chickens. You see where this metaphor is going?

Have a cool chicken coop you want me to post? Send me your pictures. I'd love to see what you hipster chicks and chicken are doing.

You're Probably a Hipster if......

....you can't decide what you like best about Zooey Deschanel; her "acting" or her "singing".

"You're Probably a Hipster" List lives on

The word around town is that Mondays can be hard for some people. I did not know that, and I'd like to help.
The "You're Probably a Hipster if..." list is meant to be a bit of a living beast, feeding and growing on our unabated sarcasm. So during the week, submit your best suggestions to add to the list, and on Monday I'll post the best from that week. This way, the fun will never end.

You can email me directly at modernhaus@gmail.com

And just to get us re-started (and because I have unleashed a flow of sarcasm that just won't stop), stay tuned for a new addition.

If you haven't seen the list, or just want to jog your memory and are too lazy to scroll down, here ya go, ya lazy bum. Three direct links...you barely have to move your finger.

"GIFTED" the Hipster Edition

These people aren't so different from you, so never be intimidated (NEVER! they can smell it!) Just like you, they want things that are classic (expensive), durable (expensive), and made in America (Brooklyn). When it comes to buying them presents, there's really a very simple formula to follow: if it looks way too simple to cost as much as it does, the hipsters will like it. If it is handmade, in limited editions, hanging in Eastern European design museums, and adopts school gardens, old musicians, or dying stars with every purchase, they will definitely, definitely like it.

So let's get started, shall we? Let's pick a gift for the hipster wedding.....

From top to bottom, left to right (that's right, just like in a book....good job!)

An annual membership to an organic CSA (What's that? A weekly or monthly box of organic produce delivered from a LOCAL farm!)

A French press for their organic coffee (because a lot has changed but hipsters still like coffee). This is my favorite version from La Cafetiere, in orange ceramic that will last forever.

Some nice, Frenchie-looking, understated, Baggu reusable shopping bags (but never, EVER bags that say "ORGANIC!" or "REDUCE, REUSE, RECYCLE" because this is NOT understated and NOT hip.)

Peter Bruegger moustache mugs....because I think we're ALL clear on how they feel about moustaches.

A simple, white Heath Ceramics bud vase (hand made, shown in design museums)

A Pia Wallen crux blanket (hand made, in limited editions, and in design museums..check, check, and check!)

A handmade return-adress stamp that shows off their newly-married status, because these people even expect bill-paying to be creative!

A vintage Polaroid camera and some new Polaroid film (because they like to take a lot of out-of-focus pictures of themselves)

There's really so much more, but we'll stop here for today. Oh, my phone's ringing. That Maggie Gyllenhaal...every five minutes, I swear!